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The time Johnny Howard was looking down at me whilst I was pounding away at some 17yr old politician's daughter.

The time I lost my virginity to my best friends girlfriend while he was getting me breakfast.

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The time I kicked my backdoor down to for The sex

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The time I was arrested for burglary, breaking & entering and unlawfully on

On the day of the historic peace rally on Swanston Street in which Hamish, Haoolaway, The Theatre & Myself gallantly marched, we were all arrested on the suspicion of burglary, breaking & entering and what the coppers affectionately call unlawfully on (the premises).

After the march we had many drinks to celebrate our right to walk down a street with our fists in the air chanting “Howard’s a wanker!” in protest to the fact that he made me have sex with a 16yr old girl two years prior. After a few more quite ales we arrived at the decision to go exploring an abandoned bakery across the road, which proved to be quite a drama. We explored the whare house until we found ourselves on the roof checking out a glorious view of the city skyline (to my absolute delight as you know how I like a good view).

This was promptly shattered with “ Shit! Coppers! Turn off your mobiles. They’ll never find us,” whispered Hamish in his ever so silky velvet tones.

“Come out where I can see you! Get down! Face down! Now!!” yells a charming policeman before Hamish has even had the time to put his phone on silent.

“That’s really good police work,” conceded The Theatre in disappointed admiration as he bows down to our armed oppressors.

As he does so, I happen to be the last to get down on my stomach.

“Except for you!! Get over here now!” he demands.

As I walk towards the torch flashing insistently on my eyes, I discover that there’s about SEVEN POLICEMAN ON THE ROOF!!! I immediately felt flattered that it takes 7 cops to bring the Manchild gang to justice!! How touching. It was a moment where I felt obligated to blush and politely say “Oh, you shouldn’t have!” . I didn’t get the chance, as the gratitude was quickly thrashed from my mind. They grabbed the back of my pants (which were probably soiled) and threw me into the back of a paddy wagon.

As I was tenderly placed into my chariot, I happened to notice that the street was cascading with police activity. Around fifteen officers and at least seven cop cars were at the scene. I was later informed that three police stations were working in force on our case. Three of em!! Caufield, Moonee Ponds and Brunswick police were all in attendance for our arrest.

The Theatre was not so lucky, as he was denied the pleasantry of the divvy van “What do we do with this one? We is all out of them divvy vans…. Hmmm… we can just handcuff him to a tree til another one comes along”. Great idea constable, genius in fact!

Once we arrived at Brunswick Station we were placed into solitary confinement, which is where we stayed for the next FIVE hours!! Eventually an interrogation took place and we were set free with a court summons pending.
Oh! And then I had The sex… with a girl.. a pretty one...(couldn’t have a memoir without at least mentioning the sex)

Now! Even though I was man-handled, screamed at by men with guns and locked up for FIVE hours!! I wouldn’t change that night for the world as I got to taste the unique experience of being a criminal. You learn a lot about yourself when you’re locked up in a cell for FIVE hours!! ….fuck! I can’t wait for the trial!! Bring it on! Imagine all the interesting, wacky character traits I’m gunna learn about myself then.

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