|
|
        |
 |
|
| More gold from jonno The time I beat the shit out of a six foot four Irish hit man The time I was arrested for burglary, breaking & entering and unlawfully on Dr Fanlove or How she learned to stop worrying and love the boat
The time I held up a Seven Eleven…. with a spatula! The time I had a vibrating virgin in my bed The time I lost my virginity to my best friends girlfriend while he was getting me breakfast. The Time I went nude on Chapel Street The time I kicked my backdoor down to for The sex The time i purchased an arse hole for $2
|
The time I lost my virginity to my best friends girlfriend while he was getting me breakfast.Yes, it’s true my friends, I shagged my best friends girlfriend. I am the lowest of the low, the cow shit on your boot heel. But by fuck it makes for a good story. No matter what you think of me afterwards, you have to admit it’s a worthy memoir. So, here it goes: My best friend, lets call him Sammi, Well, ‘Sammi’ had a girlfriend, lets call her The sex. So, anyway, ‘The sex’ had shown interest in the manchild goodness but had been going out with Sammi for seven months. One night Sammi and I got completely smashed on a bottle of Jim Beam and crashed in a bed together. His girlfriend acted as a mere shield between the two of us. There was no way that we, as heterosexual beings shall co- inhabit a double bed!!! That is ungodly! God frowns upon it. It was purely innocent to start off with, as she was doing us, and god, a favour. Sammi started snoring. His snoring was a green flag that gave us free reign to do what ever we pleased and we started to take advantage of that liberty. I won’t go into details to prevent this memoir sounding like a bad Mills & Boon novel (not that I’ve read that many). Lets just say that ‘the sex’ and I were becoming quite intimate to the metronome of his snoring. Whenever the snoring stopped, so did we. At one point the snoring stopped so abruptly that The sex jumped out of the bed and almost tripped. “Careful!” said Sammi in a tone that set my mind racing. Was he talking to me? Did he know what was going on? Did he sound angry? Was he going to hurt me? Oh God. I stopped breathing and embraced the inevitable, but in time he began snoring again. I was safe, for now anyway. I have never been so happy to hear that man snore.
The next morning the three of us just sat in bed and talked for a while until Sammi, the ever-gracious host, offered to buy us breakfast. “What a great idea!” we both said eagerly. So he got up to buy the ingredients to cook us brekky in bed. What a good chap. As soon as the door closed, we went off like a Hong Kong cracker! Well, sort of, bearing in mind that it was my first time and the only advice given to me on the subject was “just hold on to the handle bars and keep on pedlin!” (wording may have been changed for the sake of good material.)
When Sammi got back, he cooked me breakfast. And it was good. It was six years ago. Sammi found out in the October of 2000 and he beat the living shit out of me. Well, not really, but he should have! In fact he didn’t care much and as some of you know we are still the best of friends and share a house in Melbourne.
In my defence I was 17, virginal and desperate to dunk my biscuit. Which was no mean feat as I looked no older than twelve and I was one hell of a fat bastard. Don’t believe me? My name was ‘Lard Arse’ from grade 7 to 11 and I was the token fat kid in the group that everyone picked on. My first kiss was a stage kiss for gods sake! Notice how I’m lamely attempting to justify my actions by stipulating how pathetic I was at the time? Do you think that is a sign of guilt? Nah! Hehehe Fucked ya girlfriend!!! ***AHOUSENEARYOU.COM EXCLUSIVE***
|
home | profiles | interviews
| features | articles | reviews | the forum
| diary | guestbook
www.ahousenearyou.com
