More gold from jonno

The time I beat the shit out of a six foot four Irish hit man

The time I was arrested for burglary, breaking & entering and unlawfully on

Dr Fanlove or How she learned to stop worrying and love the boat

The time I held up a Seven Eleven…. with a spatula!

The Seventh Memoir

The time I had a vibrating virgin in my bed

The time Johnny Howard was looking down at me whilst I was pounding away at some 17yr old politician's daughter.

The time I lost my virginity to my best friends girlfriend while he was getting me breakfast.

The Time I went nude on Chapel Street

The time I kicked my backdoor down to for The sex

The time i purchased an arse hole for $2

The time I kicked my backdoor down to for The sex

Firstly, I have to explain how sex, as you all know it, became THE sex. As I will be referring to it as such during this weeks addition and no doubt will continue to do so in the future.

After breaking up with my girlfriend of four years, I had over six months without sexual relations. During those four years I had it on tap, whenever I needed it. Going from that sexual security to the barren land of abstinence was a tough move and I wasn’t taking it well. Everybody else was apparently fornicating, but for some reason I was the one missing out. It had been so long since I copped a root that I no longer believed that ‘sex’ existed. It was a myth, an urban legend, one big joke that everyone was playing on me. Similar to the Loch Ness Monster, or the Tooth Fairy, or the Easter Bunny, or the Sasquatch. Sex wasn’t real. Sex was unattainable. The sex.

Until now, the time had come and I was fully aware that The sex was waiting for me at a shindig. It all worked out as planned. I got there, I talked to her for a while, danced a bit and the time had come for us to get home. I was so excited. The sex was mine and it was so close that I could smell it. In fact, its arm was wrapped around me as I stepped into the cab. Its hand was resting on my leg for the ride home. The sex was kissing my ear when I realised that I HAD NO HOUSE KEYS!!!!!!
Fuck.

I sat in that Taxi very quietly. The next words on my lips were “I don’t have the keys to my house” and I new exactly how that was going to go down. So I chose to shut my mouth until we got home. Therefore insuring that she wouldn’t back out on our unspoken deal that she was The sex. I got out of the cab and let the words slip.

“I don’t have the keys to my house” and before she could even reply, I reassured her that a manchild of many talents such as myself would have no problems breaking in. I was lying my tits off. I tried every single window, door, vent and roof access to get inside. The place was a fortress, one big chastity belt keeping me at arms length from what was mine. At every window that wouldn’t budge and every door that was locked, I could see The sex drifting away.

My special lady friend just stood there completely unimpressed by the situation and it was at that point that I knew that The sex was no longer outside with me. It was inside, in my bedroom. The deduction was simple: inside = The sex. Outside = no The sex. I had come too far and suffered for too long. I had to get into that house. No mere man made object was going to stand in between me and The sex.

So I kicked my backdoor down.

Simple as that. All the sexual frustration welled up inside, I channelled it through my leg and onto the poor unsuspecting door. It went down beautifully.

“My hero” she said as I pissed myself laughing at what I had just done. I just kicked my backdoor down. I couldn’t stop laughing so I pointed to my bedroom and managed to string a few words together “Be there in a minute…….too funny…bathroom”.

I got The sex at last! But for the entire time, I couldn’t stop thinking about how cool it was going to be to tell the guys when they got home.
(I later called the police and informed them that some intruders had broken our door. The real estate agent was happy to fix the damages.)

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